Bit higher [enriana]


So I've been going to therapy since late January, and it's got me thinking a lot about not just where I want to be in life but also how I want to think about getting there. I have this tendency to set goals for myself, think about them in terms of "should," and then feel incredibly guilty if I don't meet them. As such, this whole process is rather troublesome for me. If I want to be mentally healthy (a goal), I need to make sure that I don't feel guilty for not reaching other goals or not reaching them fast enough.

So, as such, I only have two true, full goals. I plan to think about everything as just gravy. Or frosting. You know, nice but not necessary.

So, yes, the two goals:
1) Graduate. This requires getting my schoolwork done. While I would like to be on the Dean's List for this last semester, I am not going to beat myself up for lack of perfection.
2) Have a plan for after graduation. While I'd like to be teaching either through Teach for America or Teach Kentucky, any plan will do. A non-profit, even just a regular job. Just something.

The gravy/frosting:

In the effort to feel good about myself, I would like to exercise. This can include swimming, going to the estrogym (where the cardio equipment is at school), or just going for walks. The endorphins and such would make me feel better, the activity would make me feel less lethargic, and I would have an easier time getting around.

While it would be nice to get back to a 16 so that the new clothes I bought at the beginning of the year would fit, I am not going to beat myself up or feel guilty if that doesn't happen. Instead, I want to try to feel happy with my body like I did when I was that weight (I was out in the backyard in short shorts and a bikini top, which is laughable with the way I feel now). So, yes, I would like to feel content with myself, to feel pretty no matter what my size.

I would like to be more social. I would like to not assume right from the bat that people won't like me, that I'll be awkward around them and either be ignored/make a fool of myself. I have a tendency to think all this will happen before I do social things, so I either don't go or feel awkward because I assume I'll be awkward. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that. So, yes, I would like to make an effort to be with other people for fun more often.

And, overall, I would like to continue going to therapy for the rest of the school year, and make an effort to resolve issues that I have with the way I think about myself and my life and the ways in which I think about and interact with other people.

So, yes, my basic goal is to make it through June and have some sort of plan for afterwards. I'd also like to work on my mental and physical well-being. And I would like to be zen about how these goals are progressing.
  • Current Music
    The Fixx - One Thing Leads to Another

Introduction post

Name: Loretta

Age: 32

Goals: Just one big one at the moment- to run my first marathon.

About me: I'm a stay-at-home-mom of a soon to be four year old daughter. I have a BS in social sciences, I'm the youngest of a family of six and often have trouble completing long term goals. Not sure if I just get bored or if I'm correct in my assumption that I find it easier to sabotage myself.

So for this particular goal, I've begun journaling the old fashioned way (on paper), in my personal LJ here, and as well as marking any and all progress on a calendar. I figure if I can see all the work I've put into achieving this, I won't be as inclined to let it go. I've chosen the Las Vegas Marathon on December 10, 2006 as the marathon I want to run (and if you've seen me in a particular fandom, you can probably guess one of the reason why I chose that particular race). And for background, I have run two races - last year, a 10 mile and a 30K (18.6 miles). I completed both successfully, one a little below my expectation and one a little above.

As for why I want to do this: I was initially motivated by my sister-in-law running her first marathon. Seeing her do it made me think about how I've always thought, "I can do that, if only I put my mind to it." I got tired of just thinking it and talking about it, I finally wanted to DO it. It's a way for me to keep moving forward, instead of standing still, which has been a troubling feeling for me since I became a mom. I love being a mother but when you have viewed life as a series of steps for as long as you've been conscious, it's hard to feel like you're making any strides towards the next step when you're caring for your child. Of course, I realize that being at home with her is really, really good for her and for me too, I am right now the biggest influence in her world, but the struggle I'm having is keeping 'me' moving forward. Hence, the making of goals that affect me directly (running) and her and my husband only indirectly (my health- mental and physical).

Once I've completed this goal, I'm sure I'll turn to searching for that next step. I'm not sure what that will be, but I guess I'll leave the worrying about that for a later day.
  • Current Mood
    hopeful hopeful
ice lily

All the Cool People Post Here

This is the place we're supposed to talk about our issues and to get ourselves motivated to do things right? If so then here I go...

I don't really have any goals for myself other than graduating from school sometime in the foreseeable future, Fall 08? Even that's up in the air because I'm second guessing myself at every turn. One day I think I'm going to be this amazing teacher and change at least one students life; then the next I'm all like "what the fuck are you doing Ruth, you're not smart enough to teach become a secretary, you're good at that."

Then there’s my weight, see I know I’m fat…but I don’t care. I’m not eating that unhealthy (this week doesn’t count aunt Flo made a visit) and I think I’ve lost some weight. And I think I’m okay with what I look like. Lately I’ve been catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think “Wow, I’m pretty.” I never get those thoughts about me, other people sure just not me.

I’m also not that concerned about being with someone any more, sure there was Lou a few weeks ago but he turned out to be utterly psychotic. Yea, dealt with psychosis and bipolar ness with Dain; can’t I attract a normal guy. However, attracting a normal guy would mean a) getting out and b) recognizing when someone is actually interested. Funny thing is, A’s so much easier to do then B.

Basically I’m just going through the motions living day to day. Sad isn’t it?
  • Current Mood
    okay okay

I have this new by-word -- Intentional.

Now and again I get more depressed than usual, but it's always for the exact same reasons. I'm not productive, I have never really grown up, I don't have a job which means I have no money of my own, I'm not writing anything/and not doing anything to become published.

I want to be a more productive person.

I want to become a published writer.

I don't really want a job(other than writer), but I would like to take more responsibility for my own life.

This isn't to say I don't anything that is worthwhile, because I do -- I know this. I know the fact that I live with my grandmother, that am as my mother puts it, 'her keeper' is a wonderful thing. But I feel like I get more out of it than Grandmary, because let's face it. I'm a shitty housekeeper. But Grandmary is this very bright, intelligent and at times totally hysterical woman to live with. She and I have always gotten along since before I could even talk, with this really special bond and I'm lucky as hell that I get to be the one to live here and be here for her when she needs things. I get that it goes both ways -- but it's feels more like me being lucky that this is where I am, that I can be here, than me actually doing anything special. If that makes sense.

Right now, I am in a depressed place. And it's not the time of year, except maybe that it rears up this time of year, but it always rears up on me in summer or any other time. The same exact problems I've been facing since I was a teenager in a lot ways. I've come a lot farther since I was a kid, I'm less depressed overall, I know more abuot life, I know what I really want out of life... but I'm still doing very little to be a responsible woman over 30.

And I am a woman over 30. Who isn't very responsible for herself, even if I do drive my grandmother to doctor's appointments. Why? Social anxiety, I'm not good with people so the few jobs I have had, I have been terrible at because well they were dealing with people. I sucked at working at a coffee shop in a book store, and I probably wouldn't have been much better even if I had gotten the job in the book section of the bookstore. I don't do well with crowds, or talking to strangers even on the phone -- my dream way of making money to be more responsible for my own life would be a boring job in some office not far from my house just filing things, or putting stuff into a computer... something completely away from anything social.

This isn't to say I don't like people, because I do, but I need to feel a certain type of chemistry click to talk to them (like I did with all the girls I met this September in Florida! Love you guys and that we clicked!)

Anyway, right now I have very few goals. A job to make money, isn't on the list yet. It probably should be, I should grow up and stop mooching -- even though my mom says helping out with Grandmary is weight off her mind. But I can't do that until I figure out a few other little tiny details... details I've been trying to figure out -- consciously anyway -- since 2000. Taking the wrong job, moving in with Grandmary and getting situated, 9/11, and then someone vital to my life dying and a subsequent 2 years of numbness. And I'm not trying to make excuses, but that's where I was -- of course now it's 2006 and I'm still well in the same damn place.

The big picture of the little goals is: Be More Productive.

The tinier bits are:

1) Be a better housekeeper, don't wait for grandmary to complain about dust. Dust and vacuum. And also the non-Grandmary part of the house known as my room, the bathroom and the cat's litter box.
2) Get up earlier in the morning and don't take so many naps that I don't really need -- because I don't do anything to get tired.
3) Use my exercise machine, walk outside
4) Write everyday, fanfic, little paragraphs of nothing, write and write until well it becomes something. But write because you can't be a writer if you don't write. that's pretty logical.
5) Take better care of me: teeth, face, hair, ECT
6) Try to get out of the house more. Because while I enjoy being a homebody, I really should get out more.

And that's about it.

And I talked to my therapist about this on Valentine's Day of all days -- that was my hot date, hee. But it was really worth it, it was good, if Valentine's Day is about love, trying to love yourself should count. And so that's pretty much what all of this is about -- loving me better.

She talked about timelines -- to which I ended up bristling about and saying they feel too conformist. I mean I'm 31, I'm off whatever silent timeline I should have been on anyway -- I need more flexibility and she said these 'timelines' are flexible but calling them timelines feels unflexible to me. So, it came down to me saying that I just want to be more productive, and at least do 2 to 3 things productive a day...

So three productive things a day. Seems like a relatively easy goal.

Then Dorella (that's my therapist) said the word Intentional.

Which my brain latched on too, because honestly I've been caught up in the words, Motivated, Ambition, Productivity. And they haven't been working. But I like the world Intentional, because any change can only happen if you are Intentional. And Intent on the Change.

So that's another goal. To be Intent on Changing and being more productive, better to myself, ECT.

And now there it all is a bit more concrete than it's been in my head. And black and white.
  • Current Mood
misc: crane

(no subject)

I started this community with such good intentions, and then I moved and let my life fall apart completely, along with all my online obligations. So I'm sorry for that, although nobody really *needs* me around to use this community, of course. But I still like the idea behind it, and now that I am starting to reorder my priorities again, I thought it would be a good time to restate some of my own goals, for the record.

Just under a year ago, I posted here about, among other things, my plans to hike the Camino de Santiago after I graduate. Then I fell off the weight loss bandwagon and my life became about surviving from day to day, and that goal sort of slid off the map. But it's always been there, in the back of my mind, and I really, really want to do it, so recently my mom and I started training for it again.

I have a really long way to go.

But we're walking five days a week, gradually building up our distance, and eventually we'll get there. It might take a year, it might take longer, but that's okay. Someday we will make it to Spain and we'll hike at least part of the Camino, and I am really looking forward to it.

Which brings me to another of my current goals, which is about finding more joy in my daily life. For the past several months I've been all about surviving, really, and that doesn't make me happy. It can't make anyone happy, because when you've got your head down and you're just trying to make it through, you're not enjoying any of the things around you. So I'm not 100% thrilled with my job. That doesn't mean I can't find joy in parts of it, like sitting down with an elderly patron and helping her to be less afraid of her computer. Or helping a patron find an author they really enjoy. (I'm a reference librarian, for those of you who aren't on my friends list.) It sounds kind of silly when I write it down (or even say it out loud), but working in a public library gives me a feeling of doing something good for my community. Doing something that's bigger than me, and that helps me to stop focusing on myself and what's wrong with my life, which has been my problem for a really long time.

So I'm trying to take my own advice and focus on the good things around me, both in my own life and other people's, and in turn I feel happier more of the time. Easier said than done, considering how easy it is to focus on yourself and your own needs when you're stuck with yourself 24/7. But so far that hasn't really worked for me, so now I'm trying this other approach, and it's surprising how much lighter I feel.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I hope there are still some people out there reading this community, and maybe we can start supporting each other again. I need other people to focus on, after all : )
  • Current Music
    Van Morrison - Purple Heather
  • illman

(no subject)

I posted here a while ago. Back then my goald was to make it to the end of the academic year and pass the exam. Well, that didn't work out for me. Problems with living on my own became more and more obvious and I was clearly headed for academic failure when the tutor of my subject asked me to withdraw from the course. For a while I didn't know what to do next since I know from previous experience that I can't last in any sort of competetive job. I have schizoaffective disorder, which is a mix of bipolar and schizophrenia and I'm agoraphobic at least periodically, so finding a compatible job hasn't been easy. So far I have been working two days per week for a local charity, but they hired me only because they knew me. The stress level of that job is about the maximum I can keep up with. I can do a lot of that work on my computer at home, so it doesn't involve leaving the house much.

My current goal is to get back into school. Currently I have an offer standing with my previous college, which has listed me as on medical leave. They'd take me back if their college doctor okays it and if I pass the revision exam. Then I could start in the third trimester of the first year. In that case, I'd have to see the doctor in February next ýear and write the exam in April. But this is a very high goal. I will have to see how I progress. My primary goal is to get back to school at all. I have toyed with the possibility of studying on-line since going outside creates a lot of stress for me and I would not have to live on my own either. To reach my goal of going back to school, there are a few things I need to get done:

Getting my med cocktail sorted out. I have tried a lot of combinations, but there is a lot more out there to try. Right now, I'm in the process of trying a new medication, but it will be a few weeks before I know how well it controls my symptoms and how the side effects are. I had been on a good combination of medis before, it had been very effective for me, but the side effects had been severe fatigue and memory/attention problems, making school or a job impossible. This is by far the most frustrating goal since there is not much that I can do to help reach it.

Getting back to living on my own. My doctor gave me the number of a social worker from a center for independent living training and rehabilitation especially for the mentally ill. I want to at least call him and find out more.
NHL Bhawks Kaner Tazer Olympics closer

(no subject)

It's been a couple of months since I posted here, so I thought I would do an update...

This summer I've been taking two classes, a math for teachers course (now finished) and a sociology course (in progress). I'm not sure how I did in my math class, but my professor was just lovely and reassuring and made me feel better about math. Though I've always done fairly well in math, I have always felt that I was faking it. He apparently disagreed with my assessment of my abilities and went so far as to tell me that he would love it I would consider math if/when I do my Masters. I was touched and flattered. I just hope my grade reflects my "mathematical mind"!

This soc class is going to be interesting. My prof is very nice, but he's a soft talker and he goes off on a lot of tangents. It's only a 6 week course, so I've already had one exam (91%) and have another coming up in a week. I'm also trying to finish my part of our group project/presentation. Not so happy about *that*, but we'll see how it goes. If I do well, I won't have to take the final. Which would be wonderful!

In the fall I was going to take a Children's Literature class, just for fun. Unfortunately, with the way my work schedule is, that is going to be impossible. Hopefully I will be able to take it in the winter or spring.

I'm well on my way to applying for the College of Education in February...I've taking my Michigan Basics, fulfilled my tutoring requirements, and have passed (so far) all of the necessary classes. My GPA is better than it's ever been. I'm looking forward to getting this final year of just classes under way!

(no subject)

Wow, it's been way to long since I posted anything here, well, since anyone has for that matter, so maybe an update is in order.

I went back and read my goals, and think I did fairly well on most of them. I decided on my uni a few months ago and that's all signed and sealed. I sort of got over my work apathy. Well, I got through to the end of the year and did all my coursework and everything; I suppose I'll have to wait for results to really see how I did this year. With the eating healthier, I think I've cleaned myself up good. I've cut out junk foods like chocolates and crisps almost totally and haven't looked back. It was so hard at first, but once I got out of the sugar rush cycle and learnt to supplement them with healthy snacks, it got tons easier. I'll indulge myself every now and again, I'm just not dependant on them anymoreand don't crave them as badly as I used to.

I think goals for the future are to find some productive ways to spend my summer, so I don't end up watching tv or sitting at the computer all day. I need a hobby or a task to occupy myself. Maybe I'll get a bus pass and get out and about a bit; I usually don't because I never have any change for the bus :]

I think another goal is to get ready for university and try to get myself used to the fact that I am going and will be fine, because right now some serious aprehension is starting to set in. That seems like a bit of a vague goal, I don't know if you could even call it a goal. I think I need to refine it into some more specific points, something easy to manage. I don't know, but god knows I've got enough time to think about it :]
  • Current Music
    T.Rex - Truck On
Bit higher [enriana]

*pokes community*

Well, hey, it's been awhile since I posted. Or anyone else for that matter, but I'm going to post anyway.

The summer is coming up, and I'm about 10 days from leaving Scotland and 16 from heading home to the states. The whole situation and schedule of my life is changing, so I feel like I should reiterate my goals.

What I've done so far on the old ones (go to the gym, do my best in classes, be more social, go to bed at a reasonable hour, explore Europe):

-I did really well on the gym front before break and not as well since, but I've been going to the pool at least once a week, so I haven't totally fallen down on the job

-I've done well in classes, though I am disappointed with my work on my prsentation for my history class (and now I just nee dot buckle down and study for finals)

-I've not been supersocial, but I have been haning out with my friend Jenny at least, and that's good enough for me

-going to bed hasn't been perfect, but I have been getting up in time for breakfast most mornings, and that's good enough for now

-explore Europe: Spring break, three weeks, nuf said

Goals for the summer:

1) Get an exercise schedule going and keep to it: includes riding my bike, hiking, swimming, and occasionally going to the gym (I hate it, so I'm trying to restict the necessity for it)

2) Work hard on both doing my research job and on my thesis

3) Be social: hang out with my friends, explore the Berkshires with them

4) Get up before nine every morning, go to bed no later than 1am or so.

Right, so that's about it. I figure I can do this easy enough. On the exercise front, I just need to spend a lot of time outside, and then I won't need to go to the gym, Making exercise into something fun means I'll be much more likely to actually do it. I'm a little worried about the research front, as it'll be largely self-scheduled, but I'll just have to buckle down.

And, yeah, that's it. What do you all think?
  • Current Music
    I Need a Hero - McShep vid
  • luiz8

Eating Well and Taking it easy.

Hi everyone. I didnt make a big resolution for the new year. But I tried to promise to take care of myself. I wanted to have the adequate weight that I can be happy with. For most of my life, my weight has always been a struggle. I gained the weight, lose it, gained again, lose it, get it back, and etc... From the beginning of this year, I have losted between 15 to 20 pounds. And working to lose another 10 and then I will be satisfy. I dont want lose anymore more than that. But I will be honest, my weight and my body apperance is always on my mind constantly.

I would like to share with you, the plan I followed in the last three months. The one important thing is that you have to be patience and you will see results. I did it very naturally. I did wait for my metabolism to really kick in. But this what I did:

Month one: Worked hard on what I ate only. Really, I filtered all the bad and the good. Cut back on sugar, startches, salt, and I eliminated anything processed. I gave up store bought. Cookies. Chips. Pop(soda) You know what I mean. I didnt do all at once. I really, really took my time, this month. I started having yogurt, fruit, nuts, lotsa cabbage, whole wheat bread, cook with garlic, more bran, olive oil with my food, flax seeds on everything, some red wine, dark chocolate (70% pure cocoa or more) and once in a while, I rewarded myself. I am human. I had my cake thank you very much. But I didnt want to starve myself. No way. When I was hungry, I had yogurt with honey, and a moderate amount of nuts are great for you. One important thing, eat your three meals a day. Dont you dare skip one! very important. I dont like breakfast, but I have something to eat in the morning. I need the energy.

Month two: Still work on my eating habits. Just as month one. And I did cheated from time to time. It is ok. Why suffer? but I did it cautiously. I didnt over do it. Drink your water. I had diet sodas. And you know what? I drank alcohol. But only in the weekends. Beer of course, is fatty. I was moderate. But in this month, I introduced myself to exercise. Ok, I hate to exercise. Hate it with passion. But you know what, I started very slowly. Like a turtle. But I started doing with things I like. I like to jump around. I like to dance like a silly kid. I am 32years old though. But fuck it, I started to jump around.
I do the sit ups and the stretching and I incorportate my silly dancing. But you need to move. Get the heart going. I do my version of kick-boxing. Anything to move your body. I started 2 times a week only. By week four, 3 times. I didnt over do it. And I wont.

Month three: I worked on my attitude. State of mind. I started to take it easy on myself. I try not to be too cranky. I try to lighten my work stress. You cant avoid work and the tension, deadlines, politics. But you know what? you, only you, have to come first. Your mind and body are part of you. I had draw limits around me. Work, money, relationships, family, home, friends can only cross to a point. After that, it is my space. And in my space, me, myself, and I only what matters. In this space, I let myself contemplate about of life, I expressed my frustrations, but I encourage myself to keep on going. And actually inspire myself to change my mood, old habits, try to communicate with the people around me, but also I didnt let the toxic people I knew to take advantage of me. And I did have moments of total doubt. I still do. I thought couldnt do this again. Trying to lose the weight and my attitude. But I have. But I am still working on it. But I feel I can take on anything right now.

I hope this helps. I dont make big time claim this works for everyone, but it is working for me.
Sorry If I didnt cut this entry.
  • Current Music
    The Cross Of Changes by Enigma